Deep Thoughts and Memories

Today marks the second anniversary of my nephew, Tom's sudden death. He would have turned 44 that year.
As we weren't that far apart in age, we grew up together, more like siblings than aunt and nephew. He was away from us for several years while doing several tours with the Marines but, once back Stateside, we spent most major holidays together as well as a number of birthday celebrations and such.

There's so much to say about him: He was a prankster, a tease, funny, intelligent and a great hugger. He was childless but loved children and greatly adored by his nieces and nephew. hardly a get-together goes by that we don't tell tales about him. The kids love to have me tell them about his childhood adventures. He was always curious and extremely active and could climb or shimmy up any kind of structure, which made for some interesting situations along the way.

Hardly a day goes by that I don't think of him, still. He is greatly missed.

Memories & Tears

As many of my regular readers know, we lost my nephew in early August. He would have turned 44 today.

Of my various losses within the last few years, this has been one of the hardest for me to accept. We were fairly close in age and my mother practically raised him until his early teens when he went to live with his Dad. We were more like brother and sister than aunt and nephew. My immediate family is small and we've stayed close. We spent all our holidays together, celebrated children's birthdays together and exchanged e-mails several times a week. Each morning when I check my mail, I expect to see some new internet joke or quiz or such, and once again my heart aches.

I am writing this post several days ahead of time, partly because we'll be away and I won't have internet access on the 2nd and partly because I know I won't feel up to doing it then.

He was born about 6 weeks early and was a skinny, scrawny looking baby with long dangly arms and legs. His father was quite upset and claimed he reminded him of a spider. My thoughts ran more to a monkey but then, I was, and still am terrified of spiders, and tried not to think about them when possible. As a little kid of 4 or so he played my hero rescuing me from many a spider.

My vision of him as a "monkey" was quickly supported by his ability to climb. If he could get a toe-hold, he climbed, no matter what it was. If there wasn't enough texture for a toe-hold, he shimmied up whatever it was. By the time he was 3, he could shimmy up just about any door frame and hang from the top by his fingertips. Once, when he was about 5, we caught him shimmying up a flagpole. He was actually high enough to be out of my dad's reach and he was ordered to slide down immediately!

I remember shopping with him and having him pop up out of the top of one of those round clothing racks. He didn't mind shopping as he made a game of it. Back then, even discount stores (predecessors of Walmart, Target, Marshall's, etc.) had mannequins . Tom discovered how to unscrew their hands and feet and would busy himself doing so throughout the clothing department. You could always trace his whereabouts by following the various dismembered mannequins! (He was good. He always left the parts laying next to where he found them.)

Most of the dressing rooms then had chairs near their entrance where people would leave their children or spouses sitting while they tried something on. (You could take your eyes off your kids back then without worrying.) He'd dutifully sit down, promising to wait patiently. About the time we'd get stripped to our undies, we'd realize he was crawling along the dressing rooms, looking under the curtain to locate us by our feet or shoes. How embarrassing!

He played football in high school and started college majoring in computer assisted drafting. Shortly, he joined the Marine Corps, a calling he loved. He served in the South Pacific and then in Desert Storm. He anticipated being a career man with the Corps but ensuing knee problems would have limited his assignments and he wanted to settle down and start a family. (He had married before heading to the desert.) Tom had always loved children and related well with them. In return, most worshipped him. He was a favorite and well-loved uncle. Fertility eluded them and the marriage eventually failed.

He developed new medical problems, suffering a heart attack and undergoing by-pass surgery in his 30s. Additional health problems ended his new career as a commercial truck driver. He took a less demanding job and became close with the members of that family-owned business. He got engaged. His fiancee came complete with grown children and a grandson. He adored that little boy.

He died from a massive coronary sitting in his parked car on a shopping center parking lot. He had stopped for groceries on his way home. Tom believed a military funeral was the highest honor one could show a veteran. He was well honored.

Once a Marine, always a Marine!

I just wanted you all to know what a great guy we've lost. Thank you for indulging me.

I will always miss him.

My Nephew

As those of you who are close friends and family know, my nephew passed away on Monday evening. He was 43 ½ years old and died of a sudden massive coronary. (Yes, he did have a cardiac history but had not been ill recently.) He was alone, sitting in a parked vehicle on a shopping center parking lot. Due to some confusion between the hospital and the police department, the family was not notified until Tuesday afternoon. A kind shopper, who happened to be a nurse, parked next to him and noticed he was slumped over in the seat and tried to rouse him. Unable to do so, she called 911 and began CPR. Unfortunately, it was too late.

I am heartened to know there are still folks in “the big city” who do care enough to take a chance and get involved. You read too many accounts of tragedies where witnesses later say they noticed something was awry but didn’t feel it was their place to do anything or to even call for help. I thank that kind lady for trying and I thank all of those out there who have acted in similar situations and, perhaps, were able to save someone’s life and save their families such heartbreaking loss.

I am also thankful that he was sitting still, parked, and not driving on the highway where the tragedy may have wreaked havoc on others had a collision occurred. Perhaps he realized this and intentionally did not start his car. I have to believe he was overcome quickly as he did not attempt to use his cell phone or call out for help.

I hope his friends remember him as a good guy, who was proud of his service in the United States Marines and belonged to the American Legion. (He served in the first Desert Storm.) There will be a military funeral on Monday. He was a Steelers fan, a pretty fair and adventuresome cook and enjoyed, of all things, listening to Dean Martin! (He always claimed to have been “born too late for the good music“.) He played on a darts team. Childless himself, he had four nieces and a nephew who will remember him as a “fun” uncle.

As we were closer in age than many aunts and nephews, we grew up more like brother and sister. We fought like siblings and banded together in the same way. He was in our home more than in his own parents’ home when he was young and he and my niece both credited my mother (and grandmother) with much of their formative life experiences. As a teenager and young adult he lived with his Dad and step-mother where they continued shaping him into the strong, intelligent adult he became.

After his Dad’s death less than 20 months ago, he and his step-mother remained close. In fact, it is she who was notified by the police and has had the daunting task of informing the family and putting together the funeral arrangements. He called her “Mom” and loved her as any young man can love a mother. She is truly a part of our family and I thank her for being there for him in good times and bad and for “taking care of him” now.

Things have been dragged out for a few days as military funerals are scheduled by the Veterans’ cemetery involved and they tell the family when it can occur. We are lucky to have received a close date. I have known some who have been held at bay for weeks and, in the case of Arlington, even months.

I don’t think we, as a family and individually, have truly felt the full impact of this yet. That comes later when the hectic activity slows and we have time to just feel the loss. I was not involved in the chaos of planning the funeral or in the emptying of his apartment which was handled by his brother and sister and their spouses. I did make a number of calls to family and friends, among them, my sister, his mother.

They have been estranged for many years but she is his mother. It was a difficult call to make and, unfortunately, I had to do it late at night which somehow magnifies the news (as if it could get worse). She was, of course, greatly effected and has flown into town for the services. She is my sister and though we have had our differences over the decades, we have drifted closer in the last year or two as the immediate family has dwindled. My parents and brother are gone. She is the last surviving sibling.

Her poor relationship with her children has always been one of those issues that has grated on me. She has not done much better with her grandchildren either. I have seen and felt their pain over this issue for years. I am the one who picked her up from the airport and have her staying with me. I feel for her as I know she is somewhat of an outsider in this situation. I’m sure she has regrets and, now, with regard to her son, it is too late to mend fences. But, on the other hand, it is a world of her own making. I was pleased to see her go and spend time with my niece and her family today. Perhaps a light bulb will go off and she can begin working to improve that relationship now although, I’m not sure she fully realizes how tenuous it is. ( I'd like to remind all of you that time is NOT unlimited and you should work toward mending fences now. you can never predict when it will be too late.)

In the meantime, I feel caught in the middle. I am closer to the children and stepmother and feel the need to be with her and support her fully. They are the family I am with throughout the year on a regular basis. They are the folks I believe will be there for me when I need them. I also feel the need to be there for my sister. In the meantime, I need to deal with my own grief. It’s a tough and stressful situation.

Please keep us in your thoughts as we go through the next few difficult days.